[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
December birthdays be like…
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Pikachu found the lost joint
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever