Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You Might Also Like
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
gm
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My life coach traded me.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.