I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
You Might Also Like
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.