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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.