Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
You Might Also Like
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
so this horse walks into a bar
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it