My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
and now we wait
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*