Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
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A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.