This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I thought this was funny lol
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
best first i’ve ever seen
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.