Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity