Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
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me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]