Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
i wish we could shoplift online
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now