If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s