Salad is the decaf of food.
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Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Best spot.. 😅
Just as the prophecy foretold
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Why is no one talking about this?!
i’m sure it’s fine
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!