Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises