Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.