Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Liquor Store Parking
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Spring of Deception