Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.