£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
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men, we mow at sunrise.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born