PLOT TWIST:
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
That’s what I call a flat tire
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
water it, i dare you
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
yea so i messed up lol
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.