I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
never compromise your values
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Many hands make light work