Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.