my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
that’s really how it is
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.