Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
what’s the point then??
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Green is just blue that someone peed in
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.