I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time