How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
The Assassin.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“no gods no masters” = leo
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop