My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.