[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.