I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?