Called it
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent