*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
jesus christ confetti not now
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
The old gods are rising again.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire