The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.