Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
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I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
How it started: How it’s going:
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer