As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
What my back needs
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis