My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid