Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god