#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
men are simple creatures
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
me 2 months after i graduated
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
our love story in four pictures
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.