Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones