ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
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“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”