Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Hey I worked for it too!
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT