You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.