reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this