The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom π πππππππ
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TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: Iβm fifteen
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Thatβs not how days work.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, Iβm gonna respond with: you think thatβs bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* howβd you like two of them?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Itβs so considerate of drug dealers to make the Policeβs job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isnβt it?
coworker: um. this just isnβt what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: βThis is the greatest day of my life!β
*daycare closes*
Me: βI wish I was dead.β
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HEREβS SOME ADS FIRST
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.