dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.