Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
🙂🐾
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.