When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
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Godspeed, John Glenn
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.