My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago