Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
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Pandas 🐼🖤
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Uh oh…
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Yoga Matt
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
become ungovernable
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that