[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”