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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
January has been Januweary
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Brands during Pride
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how