Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
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[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.